I miss the amenities of home - being able to go and buy my own food, make my own food, come and go as I please, and just feel in charge of my life. I had a dream the other night that my grandma was living here; I was elated to discover this because it meant I could move in with her and take care of myself again. Staying at Marylin's is something I wouldn't say that I'm struggling with per se, but I certainly am having some trouble with it. There's a sense of freedom in being responsible for taking care of myself. I'm used to doing most household chores myself and now and it's weird to have food cooked for me, my clothes washed for me, and my things cleaned for me. It makes me feel too much like a guest.
Today was refreshing because I took it upon myself to wash some items, but I still feel strange whenever I'm in the kitchen, so I'm certainly not about to pull out a pan to cook myself something. Instead, I bought myself some salad and fruit to eat, but since I spend most of my time at the office, I'm keeping them there. My eating habits don't match up with any traditional method or what people tend to do (however many meals a day) - I like to snack throughout the day and have one or two larger meals, but mostly just be munching every hour. That's a lot harder to do when the food is offered up and then it's expected to be cleared away after a certain period.
I also like to wander around outside or drive around, which is not exactly an option for me here. I suppose I could always go downstairs for a stroll or a swim (I wonder if I need a special key for entry?), but I feel bad making someone open the door for me whenever I get back. It's difficult to find a good balance between doing what I want to and also not getting in the way or being an inconvenience. I tend to think everything I do is disruptive except for staying in the room, out of everyone's way. And so that is what I do for pretty much 90% of the time that I am here.
It's an unfortunate combination of factors working here. For one, it's not worth it to move to my own place - I'd end up paying to be here and I don't want to dig into my savings (or my parents' generosity). Yet, staying with her poses a myriad of conundrums. I'm very grateful that Marylin and her family have so generously taken me in, but I feel like I have to tiptoe around everything. I don't want to use too much of their resources. I feel guilty every time her mom so kindly buys me lunch that is ready for me when I wake up on the weekends. I feel awkward asking their maid to do anything, so I try to do it myself, but then I feel like I'm breaching her territory. I try to stay away from the living room in case that makes them feel like they can't use that space. I don't talk to her parents very much because I don't want to disturb them.
All these things are nobody's fault, but just unfortunate byproducts of the situation. I'd much rather be on the other end, offering my home and resources to others. In fact, I often imagine how things could be when I get back and after we've found a way to get Marylin over there too (and possibly others!). Of course, everything else I miss about home doesn't help things either. I've been getting a lot of invites to events occurring on campus and I wish I could be there to attend, as an alumna now. This weekend is the Festival of Books and it will be the second year that Livescribe has a booth there. Last year I was there, working the booth as a campus rep, so I wish them another successful weekend!
I'm going to compile a list of all the things I want/should do in Singapore (and maybe nearby countries, if I can make it) and start figuring out when I'll have time to get around to doing them all. That'll help get me out of the house, see more of Singapore, and keep me entertained. I shouldn't spend my weekends lying around all day, drinking water incessantly and doing who knows what online. Sometimes I amaze myself with how I distract myself. I hope that before I know it, I'll be headed home (though a bit nostalgic and sad to be leaving here).
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Disclaimer: I have a strong bias towards PCs, so Mac-lovers may not like what I say. Today, Panda and I discussed our future living situation and it's a good thing that's far down the road! Though everything else we differ in opinion on can be compromised more readily (like the cat I really want I can "adopt" by going to a local shelter to volunteer with the cats there), where to live is something that is much harder to agree on. Though I think I would like to end up living in LA, I also can't imagine not finally getting around to living in a few of the places I've been thinking about: Houston, Denver, somewhere in England again... I've never lived in any city for longer than 4 years and I can't stand thinking about being caged up to one city for the rest of my life. I move a lot, I experience a lot, and I change a lot. Ironically though, even though I'm used to change, I don't like the change of having no more change. Change is what I'm used to and that is what I'm comfortable with. I like a new kind of scenery, a purging of my life here and there, and plenty of chances to learn from a wide demographic! I'm not one to really delve into politics, but what I've been hearing/reading about President Obama over the past few months has been all about his forward-thinking and modernness in terms of his campaign. He's definitely breaking boundaries with his approach and I'd like to delve into how social media is impacting his presidency. To start off with, he is the first Generation X president, bringing an entirely new philosophy as compared to the Baby Boomers. As such, he has embraced a lot of social media outlets and is really quite on top of things - no longer do we have the outdated leader of the past. It's really refreshing to finally see the leader of our country making himself available to the masses in the way that he does, from having a Twitter account to keep people abreast of things (although that has definitely dwindled) to posting videos so the masses can listen to his speeches. Now that's what transparency is all about. On the way to work this morning, I had the unfortunate experience of standing next to a guy with his music blasting into his ears. I don't know what it is about people out there, but they all seem to need their music played at exorbitant volumes. It's completely unnecessary and rather harmful too, yet they either don't know or don't care and go on with their deafening habits. It has long been proven that prolonged exposure to loud noises is damaging to our ears. Is it just that people have not gotten the memo? Besides the point that is it deafening, literally, it's also disruptive and inconsiderate to the people around, most who just want a peaceful start to their day. For those who are trying to drown out ambient noise, get those noise-canceling headphones or learn how to focus on the sound right by your ears, rather than the ones slipping through! I've never been one to ask for help. Even though the people around me have been more than willing to do so, I grew up so used to doing things on my own that it doesn't even occur to me to ask much of the time. I have learned to be an extremely resourceful person and therefore, I love to share all the things I discover. Yet rarely do I turn to my family and friends to ask them for their opinion or input on something. Instead, I take the "I can do it" attitude a bit too far and miss out on the opportunity to bond with them and make them feel useful to me. I can't recall where our household TVs were in most of the places I grew up. In fact, my first memory of really consistently watching TV was back in middle school, around 7th grade. That was when we had moved to New York and I remember coming back from school to watch trash shows like Ricki Lake and then classics like Fresh Prince of Bel Air as I ate my way through a few bags of instant chicken ramen. I never really cared for cartoons and other animated shows, so I pretty much just stuck to whatever was on when I got home from school. Prior to that, I had always read books for fun. I think the change began when I started to come out of my shell and be more sociable at school. Coming out of my own world and integrating into the larger one introduced me to this phenomenon that seems inescapable in the American culture. I decided to go back to Mint.com today to check out how my finances are doing. It's really an amazing tool, putting all of my money in the same place for me to easily see. It was always a chore for me to sign in to my bank accounts, then my various credit card accounts, all so I could see how much money I had, how much I owed, and how things were doing for me overall. Now I just need Mint.com to keep track of it for me! As I was filling out the information for my new retirement accounts (gosh, that is a strange thing to think about), I also completed the rest of my profile. One of the questions they had for me was what my credit score is. Well, I certainly don't have a clue. In fact, I've never known my credit score! So, I decided it was time to find out. I feel quite good about today overall, since it has been a long and busy day. Though it started off a bit slow, with Marylin and I running half an hour behind schedule, it was still an efficient day. A lot of things happened, starting with the mysteriously loud bangs we were hearing - turns out it was the water jug delivery guys. We got our new stash of water to guzzle (which we do at a very high pace), then received two samples of pillows and blankets from a company in China (for Napper's other business), and the model ship we have been waiting for! The ship was made by prison inmates and donated to the Yellow Ribbon Project as a way to promote giving prisoners a second chance. When Zen saw it, he was very keen to buy it and was actually able to! I always love mail (and packages especially), so it was rather exciting to keep getting deliveries to the door. I'm making my way through Blink, which talks about how powerful our unconscious minds are. One of the things it mentions is how height, gender, and other physical traits can really influence us, even if on a subconscious level. It's going to take us a long time to ever overcome (or even come close to that) initial impressions based on a person's appearance. Those who are taller exude more power; those who are well-shaped exemplify better health; and those who are good-looking are expected to be better people at everything they do. It takes a lot of training and exposure to lessen the effects of the unconscious feelings we get from our split-second judgment of a person. It's a sad truth of evolution that we tend to have these immediate reactions. It's how we size people up at a glance. |
laelene My philosophy is simple: things change. Therefore, we are all on a lifelong journey of discovery. We should be flexible, questioning, learning, adapting, and growing. Always. Archives
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