This is the first time that I did not post my entry prior to going to bed, since I began posting every day. I like to get it out of the way earlier in the wee hours of the day so when I get busy/distracted later on, I won't have to worry and I would still have the entire rest of the day to do it. However, yesterday when I got back last night, a wave of exhaustion just took over me and I curled up on the bed with my body pillow. It was so warm and cozy and Panda was taking a nap on his end, so I just drifted off. The next thing I knew, I was waking up to find my computer turned off. Disoriented, I deliriously turned my computer back on to find Panda again, but fell asleep again soon after. I can't recall if I ever did sign back on again or what happened from there, but I didn't wake up again until the morning, as a storm was rolling in.
I'm not sure why I was so tired - perhaps it's a combination of lack of sleep, long days, and not enough nutrition. I don't feel like I have been overworked or underfed though, so I really don't know. In fact, there are times where I am doing background reading and research that feels like my typical internet activity. It has made me want to get more into social media or business psychology consulting, since I love to read article upon article about those topics. So that's all well and good, but I guess sometimes everything in your life just catches up with you and your body shuts down. I think all the things that were bearing down on me just caught up with me. I've been getting a lot of intense piercing pains and headaches this past month; I've never suffered through this kind of cranial pain before. It's not quite a migraine - the symptoms for that are far more intense - but it's definitely not a pleasant experience. I don't know why I get them or what I can do about them (I'm not one to take painkillers unless I'm desperate, which happens like once every few months).
Emotionally I have been rather drained as of late. I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from being away from Panda. I don't miss him any less now than I did before. I spend a lot of time wanting to go back just to see him, but at the same time I really value my time and experience here. Still, it's hard to get up and go out on the weekends when I can stay online and talk to him. I don't know why it's so hard for me. It also hasn't been easy to find my own way here. I've been trying to do more things on my own, which is good, but I'm doing it all alone. There isn't really anyone for me to hang out with or spend time with. Not that I dislike anyone here, but I'm used to a lot of different social groups, all with different interests and preferences for activities.
And of course, there's always the feeling that I don't have a home to go to and crash at. There is no space here that is exclusively mine, which is something I'm not used to. It's the exact opposite of how I grew up - with rooms to myself for most of the day and often the whole house to myself as my parents traveled around. Even in college, when I shared my room with another girl, half of that room was mine. I could do whatever I wanted and often had time alone in the room. Plus, I could always go home home on the weekends. So maybe it's just caged bird syndrome that's got me down. It seems that I need to stop viewing myself so much as an outsider and guest here. It's hard to break away from that though, since most people I speak to outside of the office don't seem to be able to understand me. I feel so out of place when I'm not in the office or just alone and it's a bit disheartening.
Marylin and I talked recently about how I don't really interact with her parents, which is mostly why I still feel like a guest here. I'm used to holing up in my room all day, doing my own things, so it doesn't even occur to me to go out to the living room to talk to them, or something along those lines. I've tried to greet them here and there, but I tend to be quiet when I do that and it gets lost in Marylin's own greeting and consequent chatting with them. So, I just keep walking and go to the room to give them time together. After all, they hardly get to see each other, much less talk and hang out. But it seems that my policy of "stay out of their way" is just alienating me and making them... not quite uncomfortable, but you get the idea. It doesn't help that I am hugely awkward with parents (or anyone I view in an authoritative position). It took me a good 10-12 years to get myself to even be able to look them in the eye.
So, I need to work on putting myself out there more, even if it terrifies me. I just don't like to stand there awkwardly and not know what to do or say. Before I left, my mom told me to offer to help with household chores, but that is taken care of the maid, so the most I do is clear the table after eating. Starfish advised that I just ask them how their days were and I don't know if I'm just not seeing opportunities to, but I feel like I haven't really had a chance to say anything to them. Either they're watching TV or they're not around. Marylin's mom will pop in on the weekends to offer me food, but by the time I go out to eat it, she's retreated to her room or is out already. There was one time she left it on the bed for me, so I just ate it in the room. I usually don't even see her dad around, but for when he's watching a game or tournament.
And maybe it's just me, but if I'm watching something, I don't want to be disturbed. On the weekends when Marylin's going through her CSI Supreme Sunday fix, she tends to switch channels during commercials, which is something I never do. If I'm watching something, I'm focused on it and I don't want to miss out on any of it. If it's streaming live and I can't pause it, I don't do anything to disrupt that. When it comes down to it, I just don't know how to handle those situations. When is it appropriate to say something? What should I say? How do I know if they're talking just because they don't want to be rude or if they actually don't mind? Sigh, I hate being awkward with older generations. I'm not a "bring her home" type of friend. I can't even call them by their first names - the first time I called someone other than my peer by their first name was when I was 19. Why am I so stiff?
Maybe this chronic exhaustion is due to too much processing for my brain. From the work I'm doing and all that I'm learning to the struggles I'm undergoing, it's a lot to handle. I worry a lot because I think and analyze a lot. I don't like to share any of my stress though, so I'm hard-pressed to find an outlet. I don't like to complain and I don't like to ask for help. Meanwhile, Marylin will let out a sigh or talk about her frustrations with some of the work she's trying to deal with. Since I'm not used to expressions like that, it stresses me out to hear and see that too, especially when she taps her fingers impatiently. For some reason, just hearing that speeds up my heart rate and makes me more anxious. I tend to notice small details like that, which then makes things that aren't a big deal out to be much bigger than usual. I am a people-pleaser, but it seems that my approach in keeping to myself is not pleasing at all. Then there are all the things I miss and want to do when I get back, but I'm trying to make myself focus on being here now and doing new exciting things. It's hard to be here and focused when my heart is not with me. Whoever knew I could be such a homebody?
Gosh, I've got a lot to work on.
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I miss the amenities of home - being able to go and buy my own food, make my own food, come and go as I please, and just feel in charge of my life. I had a dream the other night that my grandma was living here; I was elated to discover this because it meant I could move in with her and take care of myself again. Staying at Marylin's is something I wouldn't say that I'm struggling with per se, but I certainly am having some trouble with it. There's a sense of freedom in being responsible for taking care of myself. I'm used to doing most household chores myself and now and it's weird to have food cooked for me, my clothes washed for me, and my things cleaned for me. It makes me feel too much like a guest. I'm not one to really delve into politics, but what I've been hearing/reading about President Obama over the past few months has been all about his forward-thinking and modernness in terms of his campaign. He's definitely breaking boundaries with his approach and I'd like to delve into how social media is impacting his presidency. To start off with, he is the first Generation X president, bringing an entirely new philosophy as compared to the Baby Boomers. As such, he has embraced a lot of social media outlets and is really quite on top of things - no longer do we have the outdated leader of the past. It's really refreshing to finally see the leader of our country making himself available to the masses in the way that he does, from having a Twitter account to keep people abreast of things (although that has definitely dwindled) to posting videos so the masses can listen to his speeches. Now that's what transparency is all about. On the way to work this morning, I had the unfortunate experience of standing next to a guy with his music blasting into his ears. I don't know what it is about people out there, but they all seem to need their music played at exorbitant volumes. It's completely unnecessary and rather harmful too, yet they either don't know or don't care and go on with their deafening habits. It has long been proven that prolonged exposure to loud noises is damaging to our ears. Is it just that people have not gotten the memo? Besides the point that is it deafening, literally, it's also disruptive and inconsiderate to the people around, most who just want a peaceful start to their day. For those who are trying to drown out ambient noise, get those noise-canceling headphones or learn how to focus on the sound right by your ears, rather than the ones slipping through! I'm making my way through Blink, which talks about how powerful our unconscious minds are. One of the things it mentions is how height, gender, and other physical traits can really influence us, even if on a subconscious level. It's going to take us a long time to ever overcome (or even come close to that) initial impressions based on a person's appearance. Those who are taller exude more power; those who are well-shaped exemplify better health; and those who are good-looking are expected to be better people at everything they do. It takes a lot of training and exposure to lessen the effects of the unconscious feelings we get from our split-second judgment of a person. It's a sad truth of evolution that we tend to have these immediate reactions. It's how we size people up at a glance. Right before I left LA, I had two very different experiences with customer service that brought to the forefront the idea that how you provide your service is very important for your image. Then, as I mentioned yesterday, I just recently had another experience that emphasizes how great customer service can make up somebody's mind about the quality of your work! Even if the quality of your product or service is not related to the quality of your customer service, people will tend to go for people and companies they like and trust rather than ones that have no personal connection, but are mavens at what they do. And that is the influence of word of mouth, which powers viral marketing. Nothing is more reliable than the opinions of your closest friends, family, and colleagues. So, a word to the wise, outstanding customer service can trump many marketing schemes. And in this day and age, it probably costs a lot less to train employees to interact with your clients considerately than to put out a campaign. Now let me describe my experiences. I spent the day watching America's Best Dance Crew and The Biggest Loser. I love these two shows because of how they show you people's accomplishments and the powerful journeys they take. From amazing physical skills to amazing physical transformations, it really is inspiring. I'm not much of a TV watcher (in fact, I only watch things if someone else is watching it already), but there are certain shows I really like. Reality shows can be good or bad, depending on if it's all about people being dramatic with each other or if it's about learning, growing, and improving yourself. And these two, in my eyes, are really nice shows to watch to feel good about things. I feel (and have often felt) like I should write more like I am storytelling, relaying the details of my life. From the feelings to the specifics of names of places, these are all things that I tend to leave out. I usually write what I did, plain and simple, in my daily journal. I've been making an effort to include more of what I think and feel for a couple years now. It's getting a lot better, but there's still a lot more to be done. Then on the blogging side, I tend to only write about what I think, but not really related to a certain event. Granted, an event may have triggered my idea, but it's usually something that I've been thinking about for awhile or have at least considered before. Namecards, or business cards, are one of those things that are really helpful in the business world. Though you can come up with various creative designs to try to stand out, what ultimately matters is a clean look with key (mostly contact) information. It's pretty much a standard to hand someone a business card when you make a contact or find someone interested in learning more about what you or your company can do for them. While you want to get your name out there and encourage follow-ups, you also don't want to throw cards at anyone you come across, especially if you haven't even spent a few minutes to talk to them. Talk about a powerhouse. I am constantly surprised at all the speeches that I hear overseas that include references to America this, America that. I mean, I know that American culture is infecting other countries, but in every area, from social to political to scientific, I am reminded again and again just how effectively this seems to be occurring. Ok, so they watch American TV dramas and movies, fair enough. Hollywood is the mecca for the entertainment industry after all. But must it also be mentioned when referencing research, political philosophies, or economic analyses? (I'm not talking about the current economy "crisis" here - I can understand how talk of that can stem from the states.) |
laelene My philosophy is simple: things change. Therefore, we are all on a lifelong journey of discovery. We should be flexible, questioning, learning, adapting, and growing. Always. Archives
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