This is the first time that I did not post my entry prior to going to bed, since I began posting every day. I like to get it out of the way earlier in the wee hours of the day so when I get busy/distracted later on, I won't have to worry and I would still have the entire rest of the day to do it. However, yesterday when I got back last night, a wave of exhaustion just took over me and I curled up on the bed with my body pillow. It was so warm and cozy and Panda was taking a nap on his end, so I just drifted off. The next thing I knew, I was waking up to find my computer turned off. Disoriented, I deliriously turned my computer back on to find Panda again, but fell asleep again soon after. I can't recall if I ever did sign back on again or what happened from there, but I didn't wake up again until the morning, as a storm was rolling in.
I'm not sure why I was so tired - perhaps it's a combination of lack of sleep, long days, and not enough nutrition. I don't feel like I have been overworked or underfed though, so I really don't know. In fact, there are times where I am doing background reading and research that feels like my typical internet activity. It has made me want to get more into social media or business psychology consulting, since I love to read article upon article about those topics. So that's all well and good, but I guess sometimes everything in your life just catches up with you and your body shuts down. I think all the things that were bearing down on me just caught up with me. I've been getting a lot of intense piercing pains and headaches this past month; I've never suffered through this kind of cranial pain before. It's not quite a migraine - the symptoms for that are far more intense - but it's definitely not a pleasant experience. I don't know why I get them or what I can do about them (I'm not one to take painkillers unless I'm desperate, which happens like once every few months).
Emotionally I have been rather drained as of late. I don't know if I'll ever be able to recover from being away from Panda. I don't miss him any less now than I did before. I spend a lot of time wanting to go back just to see him, but at the same time I really value my time and experience here. Still, it's hard to get up and go out on the weekends when I can stay online and talk to him. I don't know why it's so hard for me. It also hasn't been easy to find my own way here. I've been trying to do more things on my own, which is good, but I'm doing it all alone. There isn't really anyone for me to hang out with or spend time with. Not that I dislike anyone here, but I'm used to a lot of different social groups, all with different interests and preferences for activities.
And of course, there's always the feeling that I don't have a home to go to and crash at. There is no space here that is exclusively mine, which is something I'm not used to. It's the exact opposite of how I grew up - with rooms to myself for most of the day and often the whole house to myself as my parents traveled around. Even in college, when I shared my room with another girl, half of that room was mine. I could do whatever I wanted and often had time alone in the room. Plus, I could always go home home on the weekends. So maybe it's just caged bird syndrome that's got me down. It seems that I need to stop viewing myself so much as an outsider and guest here. It's hard to break away from that though, since most people I speak to outside of the office don't seem to be able to understand me. I feel so out of place when I'm not in the office or just alone and it's a bit disheartening.
Marylin and I talked recently about how I don't really interact with her parents, which is mostly why I still feel like a guest here. I'm used to holing up in my room all day, doing my own things, so it doesn't even occur to me to go out to the living room to talk to them, or something along those lines. I've tried to greet them here and there, but I tend to be quiet when I do that and it gets lost in Marylin's own greeting and consequent chatting with them. So, I just keep walking and go to the room to give them time together. After all, they hardly get to see each other, much less talk and hang out. But it seems that my policy of "stay out of their way" is just alienating me and making them... not quite uncomfortable, but you get the idea. It doesn't help that I am hugely awkward with parents (or anyone I view in an authoritative position). It took me a good 10-12 years to get myself to even be able to look them in the eye.
So, I need to work on putting myself out there more, even if it terrifies me. I just don't like to stand there awkwardly and not know what to do or say. Before I left, my mom told me to offer to help with household chores, but that is taken care of the maid, so the most I do is clear the table after eating. Starfish advised that I just ask them how their days were and I don't know if I'm just not seeing opportunities to, but I feel like I haven't really had a chance to say anything to them. Either they're watching TV or they're not around. Marylin's mom will pop in on the weekends to offer me food, but by the time I go out to eat it, she's retreated to her room or is out already. There was one time she left it on the bed for me, so I just ate it in the room. I usually don't even see her dad around, but for when he's watching a game or tournament.
And maybe it's just me, but if I'm watching something, I don't want to be disturbed. On the weekends when Marylin's going through her CSI Supreme Sunday fix, she tends to switch channels during commercials, which is something I never do. If I'm watching something, I'm focused on it and I don't want to miss out on any of it. If it's streaming live and I can't pause it, I don't do anything to disrupt that. When it comes down to it, I just don't know how to handle those situations. When is it appropriate to say something? What should I say? How do I know if they're talking just because they don't want to be rude or if they actually don't mind? Sigh, I hate being awkward with older generations. I'm not a "bring her home" type of friend. I can't even call them by their first names - the first time I called someone other than my peer by their first name was when I was 19. Why am I so stiff?
Maybe this chronic exhaustion is due to too much processing for my brain. From the work I'm doing and all that I'm learning to the struggles I'm undergoing, it's a lot to handle. I worry a lot because I think and analyze a lot. I don't like to share any of my stress though, so I'm hard-pressed to find an outlet. I don't like to complain and I don't like to ask for help. Meanwhile, Marylin will let out a sigh or talk about her frustrations with some of the work she's trying to deal with. Since I'm not used to expressions like that, it stresses me out to hear and see that too, especially when she taps her fingers impatiently. For some reason, just hearing that speeds up my heart rate and makes me more anxious. I tend to notice small details like that, which then makes things that aren't a big deal out to be much bigger than usual. I am a people-pleaser, but it seems that my approach in keeping to myself is not pleasing at all. Then there are all the things I miss and want to do when I get back, but I'm trying to make myself focus on being here now and doing new exciting things. It's hard to be here and focused when my heart is not with me. Whoever knew I could be such a homebody?
Gosh, I've got a lot to work on.
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Disclaimer: I have a strong bias towards PCs, so Mac-lovers may not like what I say. Today, Panda and I discussed our future living situation and it's a good thing that's far down the road! Though everything else we differ in opinion on can be compromised more readily (like the cat I really want I can "adopt" by going to a local shelter to volunteer with the cats there), where to live is something that is much harder to agree on. Though I think I would like to end up living in LA, I also can't imagine not finally getting around to living in a few of the places I've been thinking about: Houston, Denver, somewhere in England again... I've never lived in any city for longer than 4 years and I can't stand thinking about being caged up to one city for the rest of my life. I move a lot, I experience a lot, and I change a lot. Ironically though, even though I'm used to change, I don't like the change of having no more change. Change is what I'm used to and that is what I'm comfortable with. I like a new kind of scenery, a purging of my life here and there, and plenty of chances to learn from a wide demographic! On the way to work this morning, I had the unfortunate experience of standing next to a guy with his music blasting into his ears. I don't know what it is about people out there, but they all seem to need their music played at exorbitant volumes. It's completely unnecessary and rather harmful too, yet they either don't know or don't care and go on with their deafening habits. It has long been proven that prolonged exposure to loud noises is damaging to our ears. Is it just that people have not gotten the memo? Besides the point that is it deafening, literally, it's also disruptive and inconsiderate to the people around, most who just want a peaceful start to their day. For those who are trying to drown out ambient noise, get those noise-canceling headphones or learn how to focus on the sound right by your ears, rather than the ones slipping through! I'm making my way through Blink, which talks about how powerful our unconscious minds are. One of the things it mentions is how height, gender, and other physical traits can really influence us, even if on a subconscious level. It's going to take us a long time to ever overcome (or even come close to that) initial impressions based on a person's appearance. Those who are taller exude more power; those who are well-shaped exemplify better health; and those who are good-looking are expected to be better people at everything they do. It takes a lot of training and exposure to lessen the effects of the unconscious feelings we get from our split-second judgment of a person. It's a sad truth of evolution that we tend to have these immediate reactions. It's how we size people up at a glance. I spent the last two days manning a table at the SHRI HR Congress to promote Right Impact Training, the training and education part of Caelan & Sage. At first, Marylin handled the people who came to our booth as I listened to what she said, how she said it, what she was asked, and how she responded. Soon enough, I was at it on my own, engaging people who came by to check us out or stood looking at us curiously. This was reminiscent of my training day for Natural Selection Promotions, where I met with one of the demo-ers and she showed me the ropes. As I observed how she did it, I began to lure more customers over to try the product and after a bit, I was quite well-versed in why it was a great thing to eat. So, as I do, I sat back and watched until I was ready to try it out on my own. For the most part it went decently, with just a few people who were less than receptive and left without leaving any contact info. Occasionally, I'd get a question that I didn't really know, so Marylin would jump in and provide more details. Right before I left LA, I had two very different experiences with customer service that brought to the forefront the idea that how you provide your service is very important for your image. Then, as I mentioned yesterday, I just recently had another experience that emphasizes how great customer service can make up somebody's mind about the quality of your work! Even if the quality of your product or service is not related to the quality of your customer service, people will tend to go for people and companies they like and trust rather than ones that have no personal connection, but are mavens at what they do. And that is the influence of word of mouth, which powers viral marketing. Nothing is more reliable than the opinions of your closest friends, family, and colleagues. So, a word to the wise, outstanding customer service can trump many marketing schemes. And in this day and age, it probably costs a lot less to train employees to interact with your clients considerately than to put out a campaign. Now let me describe my experiences. At times I wish I had more family living near me, or a greater extended family sprawled around the world. I have always dreamt of having an older brother to rely on (or a gay best friend). Since I tend to connect a lot better with guys, I have always wanted to have one who was very, very close to me in a platonic way. Unfortunately, though such figures have come and gone, I can't really claim one guy who I can run to when I am hurt or scared or just have a great secret to share. More than that though, I wish that my cousins and I were closer. When I was young, I would always follow them around so closely that they nicknamed me their shadow. It was true enough, since I only got to see them once a year for a few weeks and that was my only tie to my background. This summer when I was spending time with my parents in Beijing, I got a chance to drop by their office and see where they work (and who they work with). While I was there, it was the strangest feeling to see my dad's fancy pants office, with mahogany furnishings and all kinds of cool decorations. It reminded me of one time when I went to see him at his last US office (in LA county), where he had a secretary to liaise with. People had to go through her to get to him and that, to me, was so odd. After all, I've always had full access to him! What was all the more strange this time though, was hearing him being called and referred to as "Dr. Qin" - umm, what? Today I really felt the effects of having what is dubbed a "blue brain" in Emergenetics terms. Blue-brained people are the thinkers who sit there, rationalizing things and using logic to solve problems. Learning is done best by mental analysis. And that, is exactly how I am. I've been laboring over a project this past week, trying to turn all the information for our training branch into a simple, comprehensive slide show. I had originally written a script for it, typing out what I thought should be spoken and what images/words could coincide with that. I sent that out to the boss to look over and got back his edits, showing me the type of language he prefers to use and the style he was looking for. From there, I changed things up as needed. |
laelene My philosophy is simple: things change. Therefore, we are all on a lifelong journey of discovery. We should be flexible, questioning, learning, adapting, and growing. Always. Archives
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